10 Things That Absolutely Terrify Me This Halloween

1.

“Why I switched from camera brand X to camera brand Y and never looked back.” The worst time is in the morning. I wake up and turn my cellphone on. I am still in pyjamas and absent morning coffee. The outrage gets real. I want to scream.

2.

Yet another comparison between APS-C, medium format and iPhone. Really? Are we that dumb? Over and over again I see a “brilliant idea” from fame seekers. What’s even worse is hundreds of “experts” and “celebrities” ripping apart pixels with their axes like maniacs. The really scary part? They don’t see any difference! There are so many of them. How about using all that energy to actually see and craft great imagery! Too daunting? Sorry to scare you, guys!    

3.

Old-style, no shadow, HDR photos in 2019! Please, let’s not start this argument again. HDR is not photography. My eyes are bleeding. I’m crying out for help. How about the HDR horror series? Hello Stephen King! No need to credit me for this.    

4.

Starting a JPEG vs. RAW discussion. Clearly you have just been kissed by a prince and you’ve woken up from a long sleep. You have no clue what the internet has been gossiping about for the last ten years. My dreams may get scary, really scary. 

5.

“I just posted a photo. I don’t care what others think. I just do it for myself.” Really? If you do it for yourself, keep it to yourself please. Has it ever occurred to you that by sharing your work you are starting a conversation whether you like it or not? Do you ever approach people on the street, scream at them and then run away? If you do, you might need a doctor. My blood pressure is already going up. I may need a doctor as well! I only hope we don’t meet in the same office. Things could get bloody. 

6.

“I hate this new camera!” You haven’t touched it yet but…you instinctively know. You are a self-proclaimed expert so you can just tell from the picture. After all, there are thousands of “experts,” if not millions. There is so much paranormal activity in this industry. You are in good company; the doll Mandy is standing behind you. Where is my seesaw? I could help.

7.

“My workshop is sold out. Only one spot left!” This photographer is booked all the way to 2024. What a terrifying thought! What am I going to do with my photography until then? Gloom and doom. There is one positive, after all: Is that the year Kanye West becomes president? Thank God! 

8.

“There is no good or bad photography. It depends on what you like.” Please quit right now! Save yourself from this misery. After all, magnum photographers are just a bunch of amateurs who seem to like the same thing. Hmm, how strange.  

9.

“I want to be a PROFESSIONAL photographer!” It’s like saying, I want to stay on the street on purge night. You have no clue what you are getting into, but you probably watched Joker. That’s what you aspire to be and what you will become. If this doesn’t scare you, nothing will. Go ahead but don’t say you haven’t been warned. 

10.

“XYZ company paid her/him to say this!” Of course! Stupid me! All those camera companies are swimming in cash and throwing it away left and right. “If you just ‘like’ our camera we will send you one for free. Promote our medium format and we’ll deliver this new Ferrari to your house. Colour of your choice. No effort involved!” Yes, I will dress up as a millionaire photographer this Halloween. It will scare the shit out of everyone. All I see are walking zombies! I am one of them.

This Halloween is scary, really scary. 

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